IS SELF-LOVE SELFISH?

No, it’s not, or at least I don’t think it is. My point of view derives mainly from the historical and social context - the XXI century- in which I was lucky enough to grow up. In the last decades, in fact, many people have discovered the beauty in self-care and the true pleasures hidden in spending some quality time with themselves.

However, self-love has been for many years and still is today mistakenly regarded to be a synonym for selfishness. Like everything, even this comes with its terms and conditions. Part of the cultural problem is that we are unconsciously used to define good behavior as that which is selfless. You are a good person if you put your own needs aside and put others before you. Concerning primarly with your own welfare makes you look selfish.

What we tend to forget is that not many things in life are just black or white. One of the reasons why selfishness has such a bad reputation is precisely the fact that we are all selfish to a certain extent, and selfishness is a necessary skill to survive today’s world. Everyone has some amount of selfishness anyhow. Nowadays being totally selfless will make you walk barefoot on the road.

What I mean is, be selfish but not at someone else’s cost, because being selfish means focusing on yourself in a way that harms others. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes we have all deserved the “selfish label”. We cannot escape from sin.

But what about being called out as selfish when you are merely taking your own needs into account? This is an almost mandatory transition phase for those who are starting to carry on some self-improvement work. Personal growth often puts emphasis on taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically, and, in order to accomplish this, some changes in your priorities are needed. This implies taking into account how you feel more than you have ever done before. Self-love is about giving yourself love, attention, appreciation, and care, and accepting yourself with all your positive traits and flaws. Loving yourself as you are is the most difficult experience during the growing stage. It involves searching for mental stability and inner peace. Growing up does not mean you have to stop talking to your inner child, it means learning how to be the person your inner child wanted to be. It helps improve your relationship with yourself and everyone else. You set the standard for how others should regard you. To teach people how to treat you, you begin with yourself.

True self-love empowers people to love the world and those around them more. Learning to treat ourselves well because we recognize that we are valuable and irreplaceable human beings, allows us to realize that everyone else is valuable too, and to treat them with kindness. Self-love implies considering yourself as valuable as others. No more, no less.

Needing time for yourself means you are probably overwhelmed and it is in everyone’s best interest for you to back off and take time to relax. When you are fully burned out, you reduce your work, home, and social productivity. Saying “no” means you respect yourself enough to stand up for what you think is best for you; in some cases, it is the most virtuous thing to do. You are the one you will be spending your life with. Make your needs a priority. If you are feeling stressed out, it will be difficult for you to be able to help others until you stop avoiding your problems and deal with them head-on. If you feel emotionally neglected, it will be difficult for you to give others what you can’t even give yourself.

But why are we so held back from doing what is best for us just to avoid being considered selfish? How can we overcome the guilt of putting ourselves first? Rational self-interest is not something to feel guilty or ashamed of; it’s being a responsible human being. Self-care is an important skill that everyone has to learn how to exercise. I must take care of myself to make sure I can take care of my responsibilities. Selfishness is the practice of putting your own needs above all others, while reasonable self-care is making sure your own needs aren’t always considered last. It is not selfish to put yourself first; it is selfish to expect others to put you and your needs first.

Always make time for the things that make you happy, but don’t you forget that self-love is also choosing what is difficult for you. Be smart enough to understand cunning people, and be selfish enough to prove yourself. So, in the end, is self-love selfish? The answer is context.

“Society makes us feel like when we have downtime, we should be spending it on work, creating more work, or helping someone with their work. Going to the gym, meditating, or taking time to create fun and happy moments isn't on that list, so we get sucked into feeling guilty from the pressures society puts on us”. – Dr. Jaime Kulaga.

Sara El Ghorayeb